Thursday, July 12

The Pounds Will Just Melt Off! (Literally)

Reports are in, and it looks like overweight Americans may get a leg up in their quest to shed pounds, although from the sounds of this article it may only be water weight they're losing. The geopolitical importance of fresh water is quickly becoming apparent, as wars have already - and soon will be - fought over access to the stuff (see here).

Now, living as I do next to the largest collection of freshwater lakes in the world (gotta' love Cleveland for something) there's little sweat off my back if the rest of the world runs dry. However it seems like water isn't the only thing drying up due to the strange weather patterns caused by mankind.

The poor Gray Whale, a Pacific whale breed known for it's hardiness seems to have lost it's feeding ground to a culmination of man-made factors. President Bush and his 'science advisers' had originally lamented 'Whale Anorexia' as the cause of the precipitous fall in the whale's weight. Luckily for the whales not every scientist in America learned the trade from their bible. "This is enough to cause alarm," says article's researcher. I say this is cause for celebration!

Americans have been battling obesity on several fronts (well, mainly the front... there's alot hanging off the sides and back as well), global warming may just have provided the solution to our nation's "fattitude" towards global warming.

Here's the prescription - which Georgie W. and Co. have been following to a T:
1. Drive up CO2 emissions by subsidizing SUV's and the assholes who drive them.
2. Ramp up meat production (and all the unfortunate by-products like deforestation/methane gas, etc..) and drive the ground animals to McDonald's as fast as possible for consumption.
3. Increase the amount of heat each citizen gives off, by wrapping them in huge layers of subcutaneous fat (a.k.a. 'thinsulation' in W's double-speak)

Finally - watch the weight melt off as everything around you dies!

Obviously people will lose tons of weight when there's no more food to devour during commercial breaks. Now, the past 7 years of 'whack-a-mole' politics and go-nowhere policies don't seem so mysterious.

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